After bearing my soul (ok, a small part of it) to a dear friend who is older and wiser (not OLD and wise, just a bit older) she strongly suggested I share some thoughts about something personal that happened this week.

I value my friendship with her, and I trust her advice, so here goes.

I lost a (different) friend this week, to what I would call a terminal disease; that is
life, and all it's trivialities. Its busyness, its change,  and its seasons.

There are so many things that I have felt over this.
Part of me was relieved.
Part of me felt like I had let myself down by not being honest when the first signs of resentment started showing, but the other part of me wondered how I had managed to not be aware of checking in with the friend, and seeing how she was doing.

I didn't know, because I wasn't told, but mostly because I think stopped asking.

I let this one slide, because I honestly think I thought it was in the too hard basket.
Some things used to be so easy, and it had become such, that it was no longer easy.

That out loud, sounds terrible. If it was a marriage, you wouldn't just throw it away when it got too hard...
But thats how it felt. Too hard. Little niggles of annoyance here and there, building up, so that faced with the prospect of having to talk about these things, I would rather skulk into the corner and not deal with it.

I feel that this makes me a coward.
I am, in this situation, prepared to wear that hat.

Seasons change, and people move, ebb and flow.
This was the case, as it was happening naturally.

But it doesn't stop the fact that I should have been braver.
It wouldn't make for a better outcome necessarily, but it would make me a better person.

These are lessons that I am taking notes on.
Everyday things will always have some wisdom in them if you are prepared to look...

We may never be able to be the same again,
and I acknowledge that in my apparent apathy towards the relationship, I have caused serious hurt, from which I will ask forgiveness from God.

Relationships should never have to be a contest over who puts in the most effort.
It should be that when you are invested in that relationship, it doesn't even seem like effort.
Distance shouldn't be the issue.
Letting go of the little things should be a priority.

But here I am.
Minus one friend, who at one point in my life, meant damn near everything.

And I have to make peace with myself for my part, and let go of the things that hurt me.
Bidding farewell, and peace. For I would always wish her well, and hope that she finds the answers to the questions that have plagued her spirit.

What else to do?.........

Good things take time.

I got accepted to Canterbury University.

I am happy about this.

I'm actually super proud of what I have achieved this year, as it hasn't been easy. 

I have enjoyed it, and enjoyed knowing that my brain still works after all these years. 

I doubt that I will be able to blog next year, as I think I will be studying around the 60 hour a week mark. 

wow. 

But it is something is is important to me. I feel I am going in the direction I am 'meant' to go in. 

I am not going to waste my time in a job I hate, for the rest of my life. 

Or equally as bad, keep on trying to run my own business when it has dwindled to a dribble post earthquake. I am worth more than that, and so, here I am.

So, not that this blog gets read much, but thankyou to those that take the time to read my ramblings.

I am here, but not, if that makes sense.

Some things are just better left unblogged. 

Over and Out x

Bliss bluss bloss bossy

Don't worry, I didn't really get it either.


We went to the bay with all 5 kids for the long weekend (Canterbury holiday)

I should really stop there, because that, in itself is a huge HUGE step for us.
To be fair, James's parents took his kids and we took mine, but still...
5 kids, 2 parents, 2 in laws, and a little bit of rain.

Benj had never been to the bay before so it was all new to him. 

He loved it. 

He was already asking when we can go back.

It was interesting seeing the personalities come out when they were spending time doing 'on holiday' things and not glued to a screen like at home..

I could quite easily see who was fighting to be alpha dog...

There were only a few moments where it felt a little 'Lord of the Flies' 

 The house is still a work in progress.

Simplicity is not exactly a feature.

Sometimes I view it a little bit like scrapbooking. 

Why do you need 4000 buttons and ribbons when the photos should speak for themselves...

Maybe you have to visit Queen Charlotte sounds to get my drift.

We saw dolphins from the house, and almost got to see them up close.

But I won't go into that right now... 

This is my favourite house in the Sounds. 

It reminds us of the Twilight house..

But none of you sophisticated ladies probably know what I mean... do you ;)

It hides away, fairly unassuming.. 

A great example of a sympathetic Sounds house, imho.

There was a point where Pop felt homesick. 

I jokingly said "yeah, it's horrible here isn't it, man, I wish I could go back to ChCh too..." 

She didn't really 'feel' me. I couldn't grasp how you could feel homesick when you were actually WITH your mum at an amazing place. 

Perhaps it was that there were so many NOT family members, doing things rather differently than what she is used too...

Sigh.

I rebelled against my no added sugar fiasco, and had 3 roasted marshmellows... 

They.were.amaze.

There was a time of eel catching...

Can I just say, they are not easy to catch, nor are they pretty. 

This one was just a baby, so they let it go. 

I don't think that we will be returning to this place that James has grown up around.

Not for some time anyway.

I am sad for the children.

I want a place that they can create memories,

like the ones James has. 

But times are changing...

Relationships are strained, and life is, as it has been for an age, taking it's new turns and tumbles.

We shall see, ridiculously huge 

House at the Bay.

Weekends

Weekends...

When they're good...

They're fantastic.

Things feel successful and cheerful.

I look forward to things like Christmas... 

And holidays.

Things don't seem quite as tough at the moment.

Though I'm sometimes scared to say that and jinx it...

I love these guys.

Sometimes it's so hard.

Sometimes it's divine.

Sometimes it's a mix, depending on who's hormonal.

But I love them. 

The end....

Not really. 

Just, the end of being 30 as yesterday was my 31st birthday. It was great. Much better than the year before! 

James was lovely, and I got lots of things I have wanted for a while. Lucky girl. 

Tomorrow marks the end of my first year at Uni, and my last day as a professional photographer. (but, really, like I'm ever going to stop taking photos).

I have my final exam at 9.15am and my final wedding at 3.00pm

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!

I like to think that it really was out of my hands.

Each morning has consisted of pretty much the same routine (as mentioned in previous posts..) 

Get up, get kids ready and out the door, sit down, eat breakfast - new fav is pomegranate and porridge)

boil jug for bottomless coffee

And... hit the books. 

Somedays I actually want to HIT the books..

It's been amazing. I feel like my brain is going through neurogenesis (see what I did there) 

I think everyone should have a go at studying as an adult at some point, it's so totally different than when we were at highschool (for one thing, I'm not pregnant yet!)

 I love the fact that I love what I am studying, it keeps me going.
Ha, I say this now, but I have two stats papers to complete next year, plus 5 others.....

The kids wanted to get me something for my birthday yesterday. I asked for a painting of something (anything) The card on the left is from my lovely mother-in-law and the painting on the right is from Pop.... so funny, they are so similar with no correspondence between the two of them!

James got me this art deco ice server, although I had no idea what it was at first! 

We have this amazing antique shop that we love to go to (how it survived in the earthquake I'll never understand) and he bought it from there. 

I adore that my husband knows how to shop for me. 

I had just assumed he'd do a quick dash to the mall... 

I should never have underestimated him!

Love you hun.

So, tomorrow, I sit the exam.

I'm not too nervous, but there's still time for that! ;) 

Carting a load of neverminds and howdoyoudos

heavy on my back

though easily discarded

windy days blowing away the whispers

and continued echos

that only the wind can carry.

Blue sky, white clouds

promise opportunity

gathering thoughts as a goldfinch gathers seeds

forgotten by the earth.

Away we fly

holding cheeks full of breath

lest we fall

too heavy, breathless.

And laughing with bellyfulls

of hilarity

at ourselves

and our places, hidden away

the way these places should be

protected.

Linking arms

it is best, this way.

oh, what? September?

Oh it's just ridiculous, I will probably never be able to keep up blogging... the importance factor is so far down on my list of what matters..
Although its bloody nice to be able to write however I want to and not be confined to the strict academic rules of APA style (Robinson, 2012).
Damn it, it's almost habit now.

I have been getting rather good grades, a couple of A's a a B for my first essay...
Wasn't expecting that.

In other news...

Oh wait, no, thats all there is.

Other than this annoying nagging feeling of cluckyness that keeps following me around like a shadow that shouldn't exist.

We've decided that it's just because all my friends (ok, SOME) are having babies for the first time, and to be fair, this IS the age where people are supposed to have babies.

So, that said, and hormonal shortcomings aside, I shall continue to ignore the feelings that well up at the thought of having that experience with James..

weep.

No, really.

my life exists of waking up and dealing with the kids, James taking them to school, me hitting the books (or the gym- which, to be fair, is actually a treadmill at a mates, coz who can afford the gym!?)
more study, pick kids up, make THEM hit the books, cook tea (try to eat by 5.30 so I don't have to go through too much wine before tea time... wine consumption starts at 4 you see..)

clean up, chill out, then put everyone to bed and crash.
Such a boring routine , and so much less stressful than some people's (Widge!!)
But I do rather like it.

It makes me feel valid.
And who doesn't want that.

(this is me without all the emotional, hormonal, tired, financially stressy, etc being discussed).

Shall we leave it at that for a while?

Please!

The twenty third

Happy Birthday Dad

May everything you touch be beautiful

May your spirit be filled with joy

May we follow in your footsteps;

no matter how large they were..

From here: 

119.155, 175.101.

Yup, it's been an age since I last posted.
Funny how many of my posts start like that.
I think when you are studying via correspondence, using blog becomes lowest on the list of things to do..
Maybe just above housework.
I have fully plunged into the semester doing two papers to start. (the names are the title of this post.)
I am doing my first year psychology paper, which is awesome. It's like when I found photography. I just knew it was for me.
And I am also struggling along with a communications in science paper.

It's all about academic writing and punctuation and evaluation.
For someone who thrived on the creative and majorly ignored the rules of writing, I am struggling to say the least.
I think this generation must be in trouble.
I bet 30 years ago they didn't still have to teach punctuation to undergrads.

We have forgotten how to use the semi-colon (did we ever actually USE that?!!)

So, I have an essay due in two weeks, a chapter to read in psych that I will be tested on (by the way, a chapter isn't like a normal enjoyable book. It's about 50 pages of INTENSITY, and you have to know it ALL).

In other news, I dyed my hair back to blonde.
It was always going to happen.
It took a weekend, and about 12 bottles of product, but I feel like me again.

I'm so glad I got to trial brunette, but it's just not for me.

This is a little picture story of the process:

From blonde to brown and back again.

Before it all began.

Fringe cut. Check.

Hazelnut colour filler. (So hair doesn't turn green after black goes in.)

Hair dried. This is the point where I should have left it. ....

In goes jet black (read:Asian look) dye.

Brown dye after removal of black dye (no supporting photo. it was a bad night. )
At this stage we are up to product (dye) number 4. 

This was the intended look..

Coming to terms with it after a couple of days...weeks maybe.

Product number 5. Dye removal again. (It didn't quite work.)

But bleach does...... 

The night of the ginga. Actually found this fun... might look into it as a colour option one day.

yellow blonde again! This would equal about product number 9 as there were toners involved also

golden blonde after toning with another ash blonde.
Not that you can tell. 

Went and saw the students at the hair salon in the facility where James studies, and they put back my white blonde highlights....

TA DA!!!

Blonde Meg again! 

Come what may

I asked James " how would you feel if after the wedding we shoot in November, I hang up my camera bag for good?" He said "well, haven't you kind of done that already?"
And he is right.
I'm not 'in it' anymore.
Despite doing a few really cool pamphlets up a few weeks back and getting the guts to drop them at a preschool in my (fairly well to do) area...
Despite doing some kick arse promotions... (which no-one even responded to!)

I really just .... don't care.

I have no love for this business where every second person is a 'good enough' photographer.
If you've got a camera... you have yourself a business.
- Although I know this is complete rubbish because I would love to get statistics on how many photographers are even making ends meet in Christchurch-

Anyway... it's not the thing.

The thing is I looked at this great photo I took that someone had made a lovely comment about, and thought  "Wow, yeah, I was pretty cool at that. I met heaps and heaps and heaps of amazing people from all walks of life doing this job, and I had talent.."

And the first thought was one of fear... "how would I ever DO that again?? I'm too scared to walk into peoples houses and start photographing random people I don't know"

{Thats probably a whole can of worms on it's own...}

As I sit in the warmth of my lounge contemplating the newness of what I am about to walk into, I find comfort in the minimalisation of my 'jobs'.
I am not a working photographer any longer.

I can probably go back to photographing the things I find interesting again.
I only have 3 shoots left I ever have to do if I want.

And then I can just be me... 

A wife, a mum and a student.

Will I ever make it through Uni? 

Maybe? Hopefully!

But it's exciting to think it's sitting so close to me. 

And I just feel like it's time to give it all up. 

Like those actors who bow out gracefully (read: retire... not die) :) 

It was good while it lasted... 

Will it ever happen again? 

Who knows. 

Over and Out xxx

It's two weeks until I officially start my degree.

I still am not sure what it will lead to, which is fine, I know that I'm on the right path.
Well 'knowing' is probably too stronger word... I never seem to really 'know' but I'm following my feet and trusting that each little step is bringing me closer to something of substance.

Nervous that I won't finish it.
Nervous that it is a 'phase'
Well, whatever... life in itself is one long 'phase' right?

Just went away to the Bay (the Queen Charlotte Sounds) for the weekend so that the boys could do some work on the house up there. Was good. Though cold.
No skinny dipping this time round!

The little white house that sits in the middle of the bay (there are two houses to the left of it aswell) was the original house that James's great Grandfather built. (it's his bay) and my Mum used to stay there when she was a child. Tis a small world afterall. 

I am so desperate to get over my fear of travel.
It makes me feel ill before we even start.
Mel had to pray for me and everything.
How do we develop these stupid things where previously we were fine?
I'm thinking it is something I will just have to keep doing till I get over it.

This place is too beautiful to let fear stop me from enjoying it

xxxx

The 24th

Ah well.
Today was just a wee bit shit.

It is the 3 year mark since my dad died.

He's the one thats smiling holding the trombone :) 

I blogged about it as it happened 3 years ago.
No-one was remotely ready for him to 'transfer'
I'm still wondering what the hell happened.


But He's happy, I know.

Jake and I took a little cyclamen down to his memorial place.
With a flax flower jake made a long time ago, and a butterfly, coz thats me.

What do you say to a plaque?
Other than, over and over again, I miss you so much.

Each year, a little easier...
No, thats not the right word...



In other events my baby (the biggest one) was sent to hospital for an emergency appendectomy.
But that wasn't really the problem.
There were some other, most cyst-y blood-y issues.
We got photos and everything.

She is and always has been pretty brave.
Sometimes it's more US that has to be brave.

And...
there were the underlying struggles.

The ex. His girlfriend.
Always there.

I wanted to just growl "go away she's my daughter."
"For pete's sake, she's OUR daughter.
I'm sorry it happened on your weekend, and I'm sure you'll still say you love her and it was no trouble.
But you are still here, making me feel possessive."

Too honest?
Who cares.
SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.

I have always done the after care.
I am the one who gives her her meds.

It's just how it is and if you don't have kids of your own, you just don't get it.

Yes, I'm a bad person.
But I.Don't.Care.

I really don't.

I miss her so much tonight.

The 24th always sucks.

But, at least she is on the mend. It's not all negative (keep saying to self)
She never would have gotten to be 'looked' at unless her appendix was the suspect, so we killed 3 birds with one stone, so to speak.

Small victories.
Maybe they were big ones.



 Over and Out.