The 24th

Ah well.
Today was just a wee bit shit.

It is the 3 year mark since my dad died.

He's the one thats smiling holding the trombone :) 

I blogged about it as it happened 3 years ago.
No-one was remotely ready for him to 'transfer'
I'm still wondering what the hell happened.


But He's happy, I know.

Jake and I took a little cyclamen down to his memorial place.
With a flax flower jake made a long time ago, and a butterfly, coz thats me.

What do you say to a plaque?
Other than, over and over again, I miss you so much.

Each year, a little easier...
No, thats not the right word...



In other events my baby (the biggest one) was sent to hospital for an emergency appendectomy.
But that wasn't really the problem.
There were some other, most cyst-y blood-y issues.
We got photos and everything.

She is and always has been pretty brave.
Sometimes it's more US that has to be brave.

And...
there were the underlying struggles.

The ex. His girlfriend.
Always there.

I wanted to just growl "go away she's my daughter."
"For pete's sake, she's OUR daughter.
I'm sorry it happened on your weekend, and I'm sure you'll still say you love her and it was no trouble.
But you are still here, making me feel possessive."

Too honest?
Who cares.
SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.

I have always done the after care.
I am the one who gives her her meds.

It's just how it is and if you don't have kids of your own, you just don't get it.

Yes, I'm a bad person.
But I.Don't.Care.

I really don't.

I miss her so much tonight.

The 24th always sucks.

But, at least she is on the mend. It's not all negative (keep saying to self)
She never would have gotten to be 'looked' at unless her appendix was the suspect, so we killed 3 birds with one stone, so to speak.

Small victories.
Maybe they were big ones.



 Over and Out.

The weekend

And we went for a drive (that ended somewhat badly with me getting somewhat motion sick... but the start was magical!)

This is owned by the woman who did our wedding.
She has made the cutest, prettiest high tea house in Christchurch.
We enjoyed our lattes. 

Mental note.

Don't eat a gourmet pie, then get straight in the mini

and be a passenger over the long and windy (as in twisty, not breezy)

road.

You WILL have an episode.

Success!!!

I got accepted into Massey University!!!!!

I'm so happy. I was starting to feel really anxious about it
That whole doubting the reality of me actually going to university was becoming quite a thing.

But it's all good! I'm in!
My life is ACTUALLY backwards.
But thats fine I think.
I'm cool with that.

I'm of course FREAKING out about the idea of exams and most of all essays, but i am just going to take one day at a time.

Thats what I have learned from the first year of my 30's.
One day at a time. Don't WORRY about tomorrow (hmmm, I may have stolen that advice from a famous book...)

 Otherwise there is a tendency to feel like this :

Will keep you posted!

{stolen} inspiration

I was reading through a gorgeous friends blog {here} and I came across this beautiful piece of writing by psychologist Hugh Mackay.

It's very much where I am at.
I'm also struggling through the book 66 love letters, which is a study on the running theme through the Bible... it paints God in a light that is more power and righteousness less best friend/genie in a bottle.
It also ties in with the theme of this :

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that madeyou happy today before you go to sleep', and 'cheerup' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.” 

Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher

pppffffttt.

Hey kids...
You know how you are really really irritating sometimes, and I make that face , then leave the room?
And you don't REALLY care, you just keep doing it coz you are kids etc etc....

Oh, and you know how you ALL hate pumpkin?
Well,  hahahaha.... there is no such thing as 'sunshine potato'.
We spiked it with pumpkin.
we've been doing it for weeks.

eat THAT.



I was scrolling through facebook and saw this convo between my son and his best friend.
It cracked me up... good to know they are at least pondering life...



Friends initial status: when you wake up in the morning, how do you know ur not still dreaming?...


My Son:  how do you know if the real world cannot be the realistic one which could also be the dream universe in which the unusual could happen?


Friend: getting deep

• 
  
• My son:  what i don't understand is in the dream, you don't know you're dreaming, but in real life, you know that you're not. How does your mind actually tell the difference? What is real? What if the dream is the real world is actually the dream, and when you fall asleep, the other real world simply wakes up! Makes you wonder..

 Made me smile.

• 
  

Found this @ http://parenting.failblog.org/2011/11/30/crazy-parenting-fails-yep-early-adolescence-is-pretty-much-the-worst/

If I believed in karma,
I would tend to think it has begun to unleash itself upon me, as penance for my teenage years of projected irrationality and general disgustingness.

I think my Dad is probably up there smiling down with a sort of endearing grin directed at me.
"now you know what it is like raising a tornado"

I own (or have part shares in) a 14 year old.
Ok, 14 in 2 weeks time.

See, for those of you who also have shares invested in this species, I really don't need to say anything.
You are already nodding your heads and giggling (and/or sipping a red, and sighing.)

They are moody.
They are angry
They are depressive
They are selfish
They are indecisive
They are compulsive
They seek attention
ALL.OF.THE.TIME

Found on google- not my image

Mind you, I know some ex wives who also fit this category....
(and I'll be the first to admit that at certain ahem times of the month I certainly do)

I was going to say that there are probably a bunch of do gooder parents waiting to jump on me and say that I am being too negative and that there are wonderful, beautiful things that come from teenagers...
But then I realised that I don't think anyone that reads this probably fits that category.
And if they do they probably don't own shares in a teenage girlwoman.

You want to be nice, and understanding...
You REALLY do...

Until they outright insult you with their faux uber coolness
And their heinous 'isms'

You have to stand back (waaaaay back) and look at it through clinical eyes and surmise that
it's not their fault, they are brain damaged at this point in time (Thankyou oh thankyou Nigel Latta!!!)
and that, yes... I too was this brain damaged once upon a teenage hood.

To be really honest I am lucky that she isn't as bad as I was. (yet)
I am lucky that she is pretty much a 'good girl'
I HAVE to just keep telling myself that as every year passes we are closer to getting the finished product.
Which, will be spectacular.

As long as we all survive the brain damage.

And oh how I wish I could rescue her from all of this.... sweep her away to some magical world where the not-hormonal crap that surrounds her would vanish, and she didn't have extra hurts and pains around her neck like a year round winter scarf that always, always itches...

But I cannot.
And even when I try....
I seem to make it worse

But that, I put down, to a fall in stocks.
A loss in confidence in the market
A general wish wash of pituitary craziness.

One can't take these things personally.
I seek refuge in the fact that I got through it...
And
I adore my Mum now.