Thursday, 19 April 2012

I don't really know what it is with me and change.

I'm in some ways a person who doesn't like it.

I like milk to stay the same price.

ditto petrol.

and misc of the same.

But my environment... I seem to want it to be fluid.

Possibly why the earthquakes didn't (initially) scare me as much.
- although I wasn't displaced or injured-

I am married now (thats change)
And I wanted to dye my hair.
But James loves me blonde (an expensive upkeep)
So I went on and on and on about it (why the hell do I do this?!)
and I obsessed over different hair styles

Because everything else is so good in life. (?)
Because we've already painted the fence and the door

Because the wedding is over (?)
Because the routine is somewhat reliable

Not for the main reason.... that I need a good hair cut and colour.. I look like I'm a bit bedraggled after all the buildup to becoming the perfect bride...

And then there are the career choices.
things I am seeking His help to find answers to.

We both want change.
We are both scared to delve too far into change.

I'm stuck between wanting to be at home (pure laziness on my part. honestly)
Wanting to be an amazing photographer who actually GETS work (can't even remember what that feels like now, thanks Feb 22)
And wanting to be a social worker type woman, specializing in helping teen mums.

I looked into the latter and the scary cloud was far too heavy.
Maybe I will just be a volunteer...
and eventually burn out like I always do

See why I have to dedicate so much prayer to this?
Do not be ANXIOUS about anything, but instead by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving to God, present your requests to Him. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds, in Christ Jesus - meg's version :)

And what more can you say?

I wanted a secret blog to type out my extreme frustration with being a parent and step parent, one that nooone knows the address to, one that I don't have to go back and read, and one where my thoughts disappear... 

Maybe that will be a task for tomorrow(s)


Monday, 2 April 2012

Here I go.
I am going to try to blog again.
I am no longer in transition.
I basically have everything I always wanted.
I mean, there are needs. boring ones, that will iron out in time (read: Money, relationships that aren't etc)
Ok, so 'relationships that aren't' probably comes more under 'deep needs', not 'boring' ones, but blah, thats not where I am wanting to go to at this moment.
Well, except in this sentence, which, I have now done.

So, I am happy.
That is a good feeling.
Being a spaz in greymouth.... my first time there.

I am now a step mum to 3 boys. or 2, depending on who you ask.
I actually thought that I would somewhat resent the role (if you read this honey, please don't take that the wrong way, we have probably talked about it by now ;)  )
but I don't... at all...

 And despite how much it would shit the real mom... I feel real love for them, and I feel very mothery in that. And to be fair.. I think they love me back.
The first night I put one of them to bed he said ' it's quite cool having two adults living in the one house permanently again' weep much?!

The Brady Bunch
Also, sorry for saying shit... but I probably may use that word, coz the 4 people that read this won't mind I'm sure (again, sorry Nan.) 

I went on facebook tonight, to my old account.
Really thats just asking for trouble.
It's like walking down a smelly street and peeking in the windows of the people that you shouldn't be peeking at.
Staring at history suspended

Or new relationships of old friends that creep you out, until that damn empathetic thing you have so deeply embedded in you kicks in and you remember what it was like for your new 'lover' (ew puke.. at least we never called each other that.. it IMPLIES far too much ) to message you publicly calling you (lover) babe, honey etc etc.... commenting on how fabbo and gorg you look...

Maybe it's just hard when you still perhaps have quite deeply resentful feelings that you want to pretend aren't there, but rise up when you are strolling down alleys that you should not

Lesson learnt.

(yeah, right)

I love this 'new' role as wife and mother (quote unquote)
I want it to be like this for as long as possible - albeit the need for them to grow and change as will we- but just right this week, things feel... right?
Yes. That seems to fit.
My life feels Right.

There are still waves of feelings that wash over me, that I acknowledge, and file.
Sometimes I doubt my footing, or think I have disappointed someone, and that can actually cripple me for a little moment
but i am learning not to catastrophize thoughts and feelings in my head.

ok, well that one will take some work...

For now, I will just say, I like making sandwiches, cutting hair, saying prayers, picking up from school, making them laugh, being the slightly odd-hopefully-kinda-cool one...