Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Come what may

I asked James " how would you feel if after the wedding we shoot in November, I hang up my camera bag for good?" He said "well, haven't you kind of done that already?"
And he is right.
I'm not 'in it' anymore.
Despite doing a few really cool pamphlets up a few weeks back and getting the guts to drop them at a preschool in my (fairly well to do) area...
Despite doing some kick arse promotions... (which no-one even responded to!)

I really just .... don't care.

I have no love for this business where every second person is a 'good enough' photographer.
If you've got a camera... you have yourself a business.
- Although I know this is complete rubbish because I would love to get statistics on how many photographers are even making ends meet in Christchurch-

Anyway... it's not the thing.

The thing is I looked at this great photo I took that someone had made a lovely comment about, and thought  "Wow, yeah, I was pretty cool at that. I met heaps and heaps and heaps of amazing people from all walks of life doing this job, and I had talent.."

And the first thought was one of fear... "how would I ever DO that again?? I'm too scared to walk into peoples houses and start photographing random people I don't know"

{Thats probably a whole can of worms on it's own...}

As I sit in the warmth of my lounge contemplating the newness of what I am about to walk into, I find comfort in the minimalisation of my 'jobs'.
I am not a working photographer any longer.

I can probably go back to photographing the things I find interesting again.
I only have 3 shoots left I ever have to do if I want.

And then I can just be me... 
A wife, a mum and a student.

Will I ever make it through Uni? 
Maybe? Hopefully!
But it's exciting to think it's sitting so close to me. 

And I just feel like it's time to give it all up. 
Like those actors who bow out gracefully (read: retire... not die) :) 

It was good while it lasted... 
Will it ever happen again? 
Who knows. 

Over and Out xxx

Monday, 2 July 2012

It's two weeks until I officially start my degree.

I still am not sure what it will lead to, which is fine, I know that I'm on the right path.
Well 'knowing' is probably too stronger word... I never seem to really 'know' but I'm following my feet and trusting that each little step is bringing me closer to something of substance.

Nervous that I won't finish it.
Nervous that it is a 'phase'
Well, whatever... life in itself is one long 'phase' right?

Just went away to the Bay (the Queen Charlotte Sounds) for the weekend so that the boys could do some work on the house up there. Was good. Though cold.
No skinny dipping this time round!

The little white house that sits in the middle of the bay (there are two houses to the left of it aswell) was the original house that James's great Grandfather built. (it's his bay) and my Mum used to stay there when she was a child. Tis a small world afterall. 

I am so desperate to get over my fear of travel.
It makes me feel ill before we even start.
Mel had to pray for me and everything.
How do we develop these stupid things where previously we were fine?
I'm thinking it is something I will just have to keep doing till I get over it.

This place is too beautiful to let fear stop me from enjoying it