Happy (est) Mothers day

Aw.
It was such a lovely day!!

I got presents from all the kids

A card from Ben that made me sweet-cry (he actually said 'feel free to cry' in it...) and a block of white choccy!! NomNom
A blue Mountain pottery jug from Pop which goes with my deer... LOVE
A letter posted from school from Roo (I sweet cried at that one too.)

It felt real good to be their mumma today.
Got a coffee too!

I asked James to take a photo of me and them as my final present, as I don't have  a recent one anywhere..

this was the result:

Then we finished the courtyard out the back.
Such a beautiful warm day...

Couldn't complain (too much) really!!!


I made this.... I think the top one was taken 4 years ago.
Love.

I can't be bothered.....

Are there any things that you are truly adverse to doing?
I don't mean like the dishes or the washing.

For example...

My car needs petrol.
I can't be bothered to go and get any. I realise it's expensive these days, but thats not even the point.
If I had a million dollars, I still think it's one of those things I would like to palm off to James.
It ALMOST scrapes into the 'blue job' category.  (you know, where there are pink jobs and blue jobs.... I consider car related matters to be a blue job.)

So, I'll drive around for at least a day (if not 2) without putting petrol in the car.
In my defense, it hasn't (quite) ever actually broken down.

Returning DVD's.
Hopeless.
Actually hopeless.
I can't seem to process the idea of getting into the car (which is empty anyway) and taking them back on time.
It's just in the 'I'll do it later'
and later and later...

$16 in fees later and I wish I had just done it.
But, I won't.
James can almost guarantee it.

In fact if I want to really make him smile and freak him out at the same time, I can come home and tell him I actually TOOK the DVD's back on time.

But it's rare.

Posting letters.
I can't ever be bothered.
This is one of the reasons that we sent out our thankyou cards about 6 weeks after the wedding!

If it's a parcel I'll do it, as I have to buy the box, and postage etc...
But I have just become accustomed to putting letters that need to be posted into james's lunchbox in the morning.
That way they'll actually get posted.
- genius

Some of this stuff just shouldn't be a big deal but I just find my self putting off and putting off etc.

And to be fair, James is SO good at posting letters and filling up my car and dropping DVD's back..
;)

There must be more of you out there??

Here's to

So I have applied for a job at Holly House
A residential home for teenage mums.
It's a job I have always wanted to do when I 'grew up'
As I was pregnant when I was a mere 15, and had my daughter when I was 16.

My 16th birthday before I had told most people.... 

Pregnant with her.... about to pop!

Someone once gave me a 'word' that I would help young mums.
Also it was spoken over me at the wedding that I would 'speak' I would use my voice to reach others (speaking isn't the issue, it's what I say that seems to have the power to cause change or in bad circumstances offense!)
- He also said I was a bit 'wild' - in the good sense. I was so happy that finally that word has been used as a positive adjective....

So I applied for this job.
It was a random kind of chance that I even saw the ad.

My faith that I will GET the job is about as minute as it could be, as I have no pieces of paper saying that I  have the right to work with young people in 'at risk' situations...

Oh, well except for Pop's birth certificate.... :)

And also James is wanting to make some changes in his life too..
And I feel like I should be there to support that...

Don't worry, his hair will still be the same colour....

(these are all a bit damaged with wear)

So, I really don't know what will happen. I havn't heard anything from them, and it's been nearly a week, so I'm not overly hopeful, but I can always volunteer.

Sometimes I'm so Grateful to NOT know what God's 'mega plan' for my life is.... 

Coz I'm sure I would kick and scream at the concept of it..

Until He whispers that He does actually know what he's doing with me... 

I hate waiting.

(REALLY??!!)

;)

Once you go black.....

I dyed my hair black.

I was going for 'my cute asian girlfriend wife' (due to being 1/4 Japanese)

I may have failed quite remarkably now I think I look more like Angelica Huston.

James was not quite as excited as I was hoping....

It was not our best moment.

Today was a bit shit.

Looks better up than down.

That is all.

Is that your sister?!

I finally got up the balls to make some genuine enquiries about a total change in my future as far as a career is concerned.
I even created a new email address so I can just be Mrs Robinson....

I have enquired about a full on position at a place called Holly House.
It is a facility that houses 10 young mums and their babies, from just before birth up till baby is one.

It is a job I have had in the back of my head for about 10 years.

I have zilch on the qualification front, but 100% on the experience.
This is what I want to do.

What will I do to achieve it?
I don't know.
A foot in the door would be amazing.
I would volunteer for a year if need be.

It's down on my knees begging God to open doors, or close them if He has a better plan (HIGHLY POSSIBLE lol )

Why am I writing this?
Because I am excited.

Even if it's a total closed door, I know that this is what I want to do, and it is obviously just the wrong time.

Can we manage shift work as a newly married couple?
Thats my biggest worry.
(hmmm, where's that verse from the last blog....)

I will not sacrifice my marriage and family for a job, no matter how appealing it is...
But I don't want fear to hold me back either....

What an exciting thing to ponder over


Lord, in your hands be it.


O&O

I don't really know what it is with me and change.

I'm in some ways a person who doesn't like it.

I like milk to stay the same price.

ditto petrol.

and misc of the same.

But my environment... I seem to want it to be fluid.

Possibly why the earthquakes didn't (initially) scare me as much.
- although I wasn't displaced or injured-

I am married now (thats change)
And I wanted to dye my hair.
But James loves me blonde (an expensive upkeep)
So I went on and on and on about it (why the hell do I do this?!)
and I obsessed over different hair styles

Because?!
Because everything else is so good in life. (?)
Because we've already painted the fence and the door

Because the wedding is over (?)
Because the routine is somewhat reliable

Not for the main reason.... that I need a good hair cut and colour.. I look like I'm a bit bedraggled after all the buildup to becoming the perfect bride...

And then there are the career choices.
things I am seeking His help to find answers to.

We both want change.
We are both scared to delve too far into change.

I'm stuck between wanting to be at home (pure laziness on my part. honestly)
Wanting to be an amazing photographer who actually GETS work (can't even remember what that feels like now, thanks Feb 22)
And wanting to be a social worker type woman, specializing in helping teen mums.

I looked into the latter and the scary cloud was far too heavy.
Maybe I will just be a volunteer...
and eventually burn out like I always do


See why I have to dedicate so much prayer to this?
Do not be ANXIOUS about anything, but instead by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving to God, present your requests to Him. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds, in Christ Jesus - meg's version :)


And what more can you say?


I wanted a secret blog to type out my extreme frustration with being a parent and step parent, one that nooone knows the address to, one that I don't have to go back and read, and one where my thoughts disappear... 


Maybe that will be a task for tomorrow(s)


o&o

Here I go.
I am going to try to blog again.
I am no longer in transition.
I basically have everything I always wanted.
Seriously.
I mean, there are needs. boring ones, that will iron out in time (read: Money, relationships that aren't etc)
Ok, so 'relationships that aren't' probably comes more under 'deep needs', not 'boring' ones, but blah, thats not where I am wanting to go to at this moment.
Well, except in this sentence, which, I have now done.

ok!
So, I am happy.
That is a good feeling.

Being a spaz in greymouth.... my first time there.

I am now a step mum to 3 boys. or 2, depending on who you ask.
I actually thought that I would somewhat resent the role (if you read this honey, please don't take that the wrong way, we have probably talked about it by now ;)  )
but I don't... at all...

 And despite how much it would shit the real mom... I feel real love for them, and I feel very mothery in that. And to be fair.. I think they love me back.
The first night I put one of them to bed he said ' it's quite cool having two adults living in the one house permanently again' weep much?!

The Brady Bunch

Also, sorry for saying shit... but I probably may use that word, coz the 4 people that read this won't mind I'm sure (again, sorry Nan.) 

I went on facebook tonight, to my old account.
Really thats just asking for trouble.
It's like walking down a smelly street and peeking in the windows of the people that you shouldn't be peeking at.
Staring at history suspended

Or new relationships of old friends that creep you out, until that damn empathetic thing you have so deeply embedded in you kicks in and you remember what it was like for your new 'lover' (ew puke.. at least we never called each other that.. it IMPLIES far too much ) to message you publicly calling you (lover) babe, honey etc etc.... commenting on how fabbo and gorg you look...

Maybe it's just hard when you still perhaps have quite deeply resentful feelings that you want to pretend aren't there, but rise up when you are strolling down alleys that you should not

Lesson learnt.

(yeah, right)


ANYWAY
I love this 'new' role as wife and mother (quote unquote)
I want it to be like this for as long as possible - albeit the need for them to grow and change as will we- but just right this week, things feel... right?
Yes. That seems to fit.
My life feels Right.

There are still waves of feelings that wash over me, that I acknowledge, and file.
Sometimes I doubt my footing, or think I have disappointed someone, and that can actually cripple me for a little moment
but i am learning not to catastrophize thoughts and feelings in my head.

ok, well that one will take some work...

For now, I will just say, I like making sandwiches, cutting hair, saying prayers, picking up from school, making them laugh, being the slightly odd-hopefully-kinda-cool one...