Carting a load of neverminds and howdoyoudos

heavy on my back

though easily discarded

windy days blowing away the whispers

and continued echos

that only the wind can carry.

Blue sky, white clouds

promise opportunity

gathering thoughts as a goldfinch gathers seeds

forgotten by the earth.

Away we fly

holding cheeks full of breath

lest we fall

too heavy, breathless.

And laughing with bellyfulls

of hilarity

at ourselves

and our places, hidden away

the way these places should be

protected.

Linking arms

it is best, this way.

oh, what? September?

Oh it's just ridiculous, I will probably never be able to keep up blogging... the importance factor is so far down on my list of what matters..
Although its bloody nice to be able to write however I want to and not be confined to the strict academic rules of APA style (Robinson, 2012).
Damn it, it's almost habit now.

I have been getting rather good grades, a couple of A's a a B for my first essay...
Wasn't expecting that.

In other news...

Oh wait, no, thats all there is.

Other than this annoying nagging feeling of cluckyness that keeps following me around like a shadow that shouldn't exist.

We've decided that it's just because all my friends (ok, SOME) are having babies for the first time, and to be fair, this IS the age where people are supposed to have babies.

So, that said, and hormonal shortcomings aside, I shall continue to ignore the feelings that well up at the thought of having that experience with James..

weep.

No, really.

my life exists of waking up and dealing with the kids, James taking them to school, me hitting the books (or the gym- which, to be fair, is actually a treadmill at a mates, coz who can afford the gym!?)
more study, pick kids up, make THEM hit the books, cook tea (try to eat by 5.30 so I don't have to go through too much wine before tea time... wine consumption starts at 4 you see..)

clean up, chill out, then put everyone to bed and crash.
Such a boring routine , and so much less stressful than some people's (Widge!!)
But I do rather like it.

It makes me feel valid.
And who doesn't want that.

(this is me without all the emotional, hormonal, tired, financially stressy, etc being discussed).

Shall we leave it at that for a while?

Please!

The twenty third

Happy Birthday Dad

May everything you touch be beautiful

May your spirit be filled with joy

May we follow in your footsteps;

no matter how large they were..

From here: 

119.155, 175.101.

Yup, it's been an age since I last posted.
Funny how many of my posts start like that.
I think when you are studying via correspondence, using blog becomes lowest on the list of things to do..
Maybe just above housework.
I have fully plunged into the semester doing two papers to start. (the names are the title of this post.)
I am doing my first year psychology paper, which is awesome. It's like when I found photography. I just knew it was for me.
And I am also struggling along with a communications in science paper.

It's all about academic writing and punctuation and evaluation.
For someone who thrived on the creative and majorly ignored the rules of writing, I am struggling to say the least.
I think this generation must be in trouble.
I bet 30 years ago they didn't still have to teach punctuation to undergrads.

We have forgotten how to use the semi-colon (did we ever actually USE that?!!)

So, I have an essay due in two weeks, a chapter to read in psych that I will be tested on (by the way, a chapter isn't like a normal enjoyable book. It's about 50 pages of INTENSITY, and you have to know it ALL).

In other news, I dyed my hair back to blonde.
It was always going to happen.
It took a weekend, and about 12 bottles of product, but I feel like me again.

I'm so glad I got to trial brunette, but it's just not for me.

This is a little picture story of the process:

From blonde to brown and back again.

Before it all began.

Fringe cut. Check.

Hazelnut colour filler. (So hair doesn't turn green after black goes in.)

Hair dried. This is the point where I should have left it. ....

In goes jet black (read:Asian look) dye.

Brown dye after removal of black dye (no supporting photo. it was a bad night. )
At this stage we are up to product (dye) number 4. 

This was the intended look..

Coming to terms with it after a couple of days...weeks maybe.

Product number 5. Dye removal again. (It didn't quite work.)

But bleach does...... 

The night of the ginga. Actually found this fun... might look into it as a colour option one day.

yellow blonde again! This would equal about product number 9 as there were toners involved also

golden blonde after toning with another ash blonde.
Not that you can tell. 

Went and saw the students at the hair salon in the facility where James studies, and they put back my white blonde highlights....

TA DA!!!

Blonde Meg again! 

Come what may

I asked James " how would you feel if after the wedding we shoot in November, I hang up my camera bag for good?" He said "well, haven't you kind of done that already?"
And he is right.
I'm not 'in it' anymore.
Despite doing a few really cool pamphlets up a few weeks back and getting the guts to drop them at a preschool in my (fairly well to do) area...
Despite doing some kick arse promotions... (which no-one even responded to!)

I really just .... don't care.

I have no love for this business where every second person is a 'good enough' photographer.
If you've got a camera... you have yourself a business.
- Although I know this is complete rubbish because I would love to get statistics on how many photographers are even making ends meet in Christchurch-

Anyway... it's not the thing.

The thing is I looked at this great photo I took that someone had made a lovely comment about, and thought  "Wow, yeah, I was pretty cool at that. I met heaps and heaps and heaps of amazing people from all walks of life doing this job, and I had talent.."

And the first thought was one of fear... "how would I ever DO that again?? I'm too scared to walk into peoples houses and start photographing random people I don't know"

{Thats probably a whole can of worms on it's own...}

As I sit in the warmth of my lounge contemplating the newness of what I am about to walk into, I find comfort in the minimalisation of my 'jobs'.
I am not a working photographer any longer.

I can probably go back to photographing the things I find interesting again.
I only have 3 shoots left I ever have to do if I want.

And then I can just be me... 

A wife, a mum and a student.

Will I ever make it through Uni? 

Maybe? Hopefully!

But it's exciting to think it's sitting so close to me. 

And I just feel like it's time to give it all up. 

Like those actors who bow out gracefully (read: retire... not die) :) 

It was good while it lasted... 

Will it ever happen again? 

Who knows. 

Over and Out xxx

It's two weeks until I officially start my degree.

I still am not sure what it will lead to, which is fine, I know that I'm on the right path.
Well 'knowing' is probably too stronger word... I never seem to really 'know' but I'm following my feet and trusting that each little step is bringing me closer to something of substance.

Nervous that I won't finish it.
Nervous that it is a 'phase'
Well, whatever... life in itself is one long 'phase' right?

Just went away to the Bay (the Queen Charlotte Sounds) for the weekend so that the boys could do some work on the house up there. Was good. Though cold.
No skinny dipping this time round!

The little white house that sits in the middle of the bay (there are two houses to the left of it aswell) was the original house that James's great Grandfather built. (it's his bay) and my Mum used to stay there when she was a child. Tis a small world afterall. 

I am so desperate to get over my fear of travel.
It makes me feel ill before we even start.
Mel had to pray for me and everything.
How do we develop these stupid things where previously we were fine?
I'm thinking it is something I will just have to keep doing till I get over it.

This place is too beautiful to let fear stop me from enjoying it

xxxx